Trust
by Elphaba-Rose
Summary: They are 26 years old and alone. They are no longer a family. Donatello must accept his fate...


1A.N: It's time for Donatello's story, despite how long it took to crank it out. Takes place after Michelangelo's Hope. Enjoy.

Disclaimer: I do not own TMNT. I'm just an obsessed fangirl.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Trust

More and more of my calculations result in the incorrect solution as each day as goes by. I've estimated too much of this, I've guessed too little of that. I've had more than one experiment explode in my face because I misjudged something. I've had more than one invention fizz out on me because I misunderstood the strength of the reaction. But I made the biggest mistake of my life.

You don't know how pressuring it is to be the genius in a family like mine. We couldn't call a plumber or a repairman. We couldn't even call a doctor when the time called. Having an intelligence quotient much higher than your average male, those responsibilities were left to me, Donatello. At first I loved the feeling of being able to make our life easier to live on this abhorrent planet, it gave me a sense of belonging.

But then the lives of those I loved were thrown into constant danger, and the obligation became almost too unendurable. I'm an engineer before a doctor, and I know that fact will remain until my dying days. But I knew how to nurse a broken bone, small grazes, they were simple. However, as the days progressed, the injuries gradually worsened physically and emotionally. Before long, I found I held a fragile string of life in my worn hands.

It was frightening. If I didn't pull the stitches tight enough, my patient could bleed to death. If I pulled them too tight, the wound could heal incorrectly. If I used too high a dosage of painkillers it could be fatal. If I used too little a prescription, the pain would be excruciating, for him to bear and me to watch. If I didn't keep constant surveillance, he could stop breathing and suffocate. The strain that duty had was unbelievable. But my endeavours paid off, my brother survived.

After that, I could do no wrong to my family. They trusted me with their lives. That both gave me a reason to live and also condemned me. I found myself in that harrowing position time and time again, more lives carelessly thrown for me to catch and repair. And somehow, somehow, I managed to scrape through each time. When everything seemed like it was going to spiral out of control into that formidable darkness, I managed to drag it back and set it on its feet. I can honestly say I do not know how it happened each time. Maybe it was because my family depended on me, or maybe it was because I couldn't admit I didn't have the ability to fix them, I don't know what it was, but I was eternally grateful.

I began to dread every fight, every confrontation. There was bound to be mess, mess _I _had to clean up. What if I failed this time? What if I allowed that delicate string to snap between my fingers? But for four whole years, it never did. I saved them every single time, and I sorrowfully wondered when my downfall would come. And it did when we were nineteen, seven years ago. I let someone die.

Granted, our father's illness was very different to everything I have struggled to cure before. Pneumonia was completely new to me. Sure I'd read about it, but I'd never come across it before. I spent hours researching it, trying to find a remedy that didn't involve chemicals and antibiotics that were far beyond my short reach. To this day, that is something I still curse passionately. I can do so much for mankind, yet I look nothing like mankind, so therefore I am not entitled to the equipment that might save my father.

I don't think I'd ever tried harder in my life. I aided his fevers, tried to ease the pain, helped his cough, everything I could possibly imagine, but I just didn't have the antibiotics needed to fight the illness flooding his lungs. His death was inevitable, but I couldn't tell anyone that. I knew that no matter what I did, without the correct medicine, he would die anyway. If I told, not only would they lose their father, but I would lose all the trust they had in me, because I let him die. I don't think I could tolerate that.

After our father finally passed, it spelled the end for the rest of us. It was like a high temperature killing off enzymes, one by one. I can't prevent these deaths. When the last breath escaped his infected lungs, I began to prepare myself for the slow and eventual fall of my brothers. April tried to help at first, but then she and Casey had to move to Los Angeles and we didn't stop her, she was entitled to her own life, away from all this death and heartache. Despite my very best efforts, I began to slip too, losing myself in my science.

It began with Leonardo. If it weren't for the phone calls every month or so, he'd forget his own name, too twisted in the swords and training he was collapsing under. Raphael followed, turning to drink and drugs to dull the pain until morning, where it would begin all over again. Mikey drowned himself in a sea of comics and super heroes, hoping they could defeat the darkness like they did in their stories, only to find they were just that, stories.

Because of the drugs, I feared Raph would be the first to truly succumb to death. For the very first time in my life, I could have danced for joy when he proved my prediction incorrect. He told me it was a news report on a young girl overdosing in front of her little brother that did him in. After that, he vowed to never touch them again in his life, and he hasn't. That alone should have given me, or any of us, the incentive to repair our relationship, but it didn't. Maybe I was too scared of rejection, I don't know, but I continued with life, despite my growing loneliness and fear.

I had only my science for company, and it was a bittersweet friend. I grew to loathe it, but it was the only thing I knew, the only thing I was good at. I couldn't stop. Everyday after my strenuous three hour workout, I spend the rest of my time with my cursed science. Sometimes I remember to eat, but most of the time, I put it off until I've finished repairing this one component, but that component never gets fixed, so eating slips my mind. I know I'm killing myself, but it doesn't really matter anymore.

Not now I've made the biggest mistake of my life. Unlike Master Splinter's I could have found a way to prevent his death. I had _some _resources after all, I wouldn't have let him be my second failure. If only I'd known, if only he'd told someone, anyone. I wouldn't have rested until I made him better. I know the prognosis would have broken our hearts, I know the pressure would be on me once more, but I wouldn't care, not if there was a glimmer of hope that I could save him.

It was Raphael who found him. It was I who declared his death, found the cause. It was Michelangelo who screamed out his agony, and the rest of us followed. Of all the people, we weren't expecting him. When you see adverts about it on the television, you always assume it will happen to somebody else, not your own brother. Now I know better. Now I know that when you're a mutant ninja turtle, everything always happens to you, and never to anyone else.

We lost our elder brother to cancer three days ago. No, I should rephrase that. We _discovered _we had lost our eldest brother to cancer three days or go. When we truly did lose him, I don't know, it could have been months, maybe even years ago. And he never told a soul. He allowed us to assume things were well, things were normal, when they were far from normal. The tears just won't stop. They're not just from losing one of our own, but also because of the realisation what a horrific family we have been lately, and we lost Leonardo because of it.

To be honest, I've found I don't know as much as I thought I did recently. I've been so ignorant. What use is knowing what would happen if you added carbon monoxide to sulphur in an open environment if I cannot determine when my brother is ill, if I cannot keep a family together? Useless facts about chemistry and physics don't help when you are trying to save that string from snapping in two.

I couldn't even overcome my father's pneumonia, how could I face up to something like cancer? It is really no surprise he contracted such a disease. It is a growth, caused by, oh how ironic, mutated cells. I should have realised something like this would happen. We are already mutated, it's easy to mutate further.

We lost Leo for God's sake! Leo. Leonardo. Leon. Fearless Leader. No, we didn't lose him, he was snatched from us. There was that slim chance we could have pulled him back, but we were all too swamped by our own grief and loneliness, unable to escape. I'd like to say we now can break free from the chains of pain and death, but I'm not sure we can. It would be so difficult and we might not have the strength.

I can't believe how much it hurts. It is far more superior to any physical pain, knowing he will never be there to nag us, to comfort us after a nightmare, to make us tea in the morning, to tell us everything will be ok. It won't be ok ever again because he's no longer with us. We have to suffer through this hell with one less brother, one less guardian, one less loved one.

I fear this will create a chain reaction. Michelangelo was one hundred per cent devoted to our older brother, he believed nothing could ever bring him down, but something did. I hope our baby brother has not lost all will to live because I don't think Raph or myself could handle another heartache. Maybe it would save so much pain if we all ended our pain right here, right now. That way no one will have to suffer any longer and we can all be at peace instead of forcing ourselves to live in a world where we will never be accepted, where we will never be loved by anyone else.

There shall be no more after us. We are one of a kind, we are the last. And that hurts to know. There is nothing left for us to live for now April and Casey are playing happy families in Los Angeles. Little Faith, their daughter, will not care for mutated uncles lost to the darkness of death. Although I would have liked to see her, just once.

We can't contact them for Leonardo's funeral. We don't have a number, or an address and yet I can't not tell them of our heartache, they were his friend too, they will want to mourn his passing, even if it signifies the end for the Hamato family. My eyes burn with the very thought of it. But who shall bury and mourn us? There shall be no one after April and Casey. We shall be unknown and forgotten, even though we saved New York, possibly the world, countless times. Justice can be such a kick in the gluteus maximus sometimes.

It will take place in two days at Casey's old farmhouse, where we buried Master Splinter. That is where Leonardo's funeral will be. Maybe fate will deliver a bizarre twist and April and Casey will be staying there for a vacation. That would be a nice holiday gift, a dead friend.

He left us a letter like Master Splinter did. I daren't read it, but Raphael did. His dying wish was for us to be a family again. You'll get your wish Leonardo, if only in death at least you'll get it, I promise you. It will be our final thank you to you, for everything you have done for us. We shan't die alone because that is what you want. You can take my word for it.

I'm not scared of dying. I know it will come eventually no matter what I do to try and prevent it. It will catch up with us and I'm ready to accept that with open arms. I truly believe no scientist, engineer or doctor, is afraid of death, because they know the facts and they know what is to come. I may not be a scientists but I've merged chemicals in hopes of that antidote, I may not be an engineer but I've invented devices to make life easier, and I may not be a doctor but I have saved life and therefore I pray to god we are all at peace soon, in death or in life.

I trust in science, not in god. I trust in my brothers, just as I trust in myself. I trust in life and death. I know a lot more things than your average male, yet I also know even if you have all the knowledge in the world, you are nothing, absolutely nothing, without those you love, because that is what truly makes you great.

The End

A.N: I feel sad now lol. Poor Don-san. Anyway, got to cut this quick 'cause I have somewhere to be. I hope yo enjoyed it and please review. There is only Raphael left to hear! Take care, love you.


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